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Posts Tagged ‘romance’

Single Awareness Day Isn’t For Everyone

In Hate, Love, Relationships on February 14, 2011 at 11:10 am
 written by Sway

V-Day is about more than gifts!/bostonherald.com

It’s that time of year folks. Valentine’s Day aka “Single Awareness Day”. Today is the day people around the country will fall into one of these categories. They will:

  •  hate the fact that they don’t have a valentine (or hate Valentine’s Day) so they purposely wear all black and boycott the day and all of its red and pink glitter glory
  • hate the day because they do have a valentine and have been given the duty of  planning the “perfect” romantic day that their significant other won’t forget
  • love the day because they have a valentine and are the recipient of this “perfect” romantic day
  • feel neutral about the day and may or may not have a valentine, but don’t really care because they are treating today like a regular day

I am proud to say that I fall into the last category. I’m also proud to say that I going forward, I am choosing to be in this category every year. I’m not necessarily boycotting Valentine’s Day, I am boycotting what seems to be presented as the most significant part of the day according to flower, card, and chocolate companies alike: the gifting.

I can admit that a lot of single women see this day as the day that points out their relationship status and some don’t like to be reminded of it. The thought of going out on this night with a group of single girlfriends just to be surrounded by lovebirds over populating restaurants and walking down the street hand in hand with PDA on blast, is enough to make them want to stay home. But trust me, this day is a lot harder for people in a relationship. Well, I should say this day can be a lot more stressful. It seems society has made this day especially for the men to prove their undying love and commitment to their S.O. For some its redemption day–the day for them to attempt to  make up for any wrongdoing over the past year.

For others, it’s just another day to browse through Yelp looking for reservations to the highest Zagat rated pricy restaurant, have flowers shipped to their love’s office on last minute, and shell out big bucks giving them a gift that tops last year’s.

And for women in relationships, they hold some responsibility so it seems. Victoria’s Secret stores nationwide probably expect some of their biggest sales around this day as females look for body sprays and lotions with the  words “enchanting” or “sexy” in the title, and scour the racks for the perfect lingerie (or lingeree as I call it) to show off to their man.

Okay, okay, so when it comes to the gender roles on V-Day, maybe I’m generalizing here. But either way, I have come to the conclusion that I, nor my boyfriend, will play a part in any of it. Why you ask? This is all due to a book I read called Waiter’s Rant. This book, written by an anonymous ex-waiter, detailed the ups and downs that he encountered while working at an upscale NYC restaurant. One chapter in particular about Valentine’s Day made me realize something that I think I’ve always felt. Why celebrate a day with my loved one just because the card companies told me so? Why should we fall into yearly gifting and planning of elaborate affairs just because on this same day others are doing it?  Isn’t that what anniversaries, birthdays, and Christmas are for? I guess I feel like for males or females, Valentine’s Day is a just another day to compete against yourself. What kind of gift can you buy for your S.O. this year that will be better than the last? What kind of night can top all the past V-Day’s?

This isn’t a bitter rant everyone, it’s me realizing that I don’t need to be sucked into society’s idea of what this day should be about. I’m just not buying the hype (no pun intended). On this day, I will enjoy myself just by spending quality time with my significant other, and that is a gift good enough for me!

How do you all feel about Valentine’s Day? Yay or nay to celebrating it?

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Relationship Desperation

In Courting, Love on September 21, 2010 at 9:00 am

written by Sway

 

 

Meeting someone who enjoys you as much as you do them, has time for you, and is ultra compatible with you sounds like a dream right? While, these factors are needed for any successful relationship, they can also be signs that the person you are dating has relationship desperation. So how can you tell if the qualities of the person you’re seeing stem from desperation? Check out the acronym for DESPERATION below for a better understanding:

Determined to find Mr./Mrs. Right by yesterday – This person has one mission in mind and that mission is to find a significant other. They are on the hunt for this person much like they would search for a job!

Eager to have a significant other, even if that person isn’t very compatible – Once this person starts dating you, they try to dismiss all red flags (look here and here for examples) or anything that would show them that they aren’t compatible with you. If they do acknowledge any flags, they will justify them because they want to believe that you are right for them, despite knowing deep down inside that you aren’t.

Spends excessive amounts of money on youThey may buy you expensive gifts or want to take you on romantic vacations early on in the relationship or while you are still in the dating stage. They use material items as a distraction to try to lure you in, emotionally. This in turn shows that they are trying to over compensate for the relationship. They use these gifts as a substitute for any genuine emotional attachment from you.

Something's definitely not right if you receive a car after a month of dating!

Presumptuous with actions – They will assume everything means something because they want it to. Going on a couple dates to them means that sooner rather than later you’ll want to enter a relationship with them, when all along you could just be trying to get to know them and have a good time. They also take anything you say and twist it to mean whatever they want it mean. Example:

You say: “I liked hanging out with you, we should do it again soon.”

They think: “He/she really likes me, maybe I should make it official soon.” (Okay this may be a stretch, but you get the idea)

Excessive dater – This person’s little black book is bursting at the seams with numbers and everyone in it is someone who either is a “prospect” or someone they may have tried to take things further with in the past. No sooner than when they are coming home from a first date are they trying to schedule date #2, 3, and 4. Once they realize the person they are seeing doesn’t want to take things further they are on to the next one.

Relentlessly tries to keep in touch with you – And oftentimes they do it at inappropriate times. They may call, first thing in the morning, consistently to have a conversation. Or they call/text excessively, multiple times a day, to talk to you or to “check on you”. This is also a sign of insecurity so beware.

Aggressive behavior – They will stress how much they like or care for you early in the relationship and impose those feelings on you (Heaven forbid they tell you that they love you before your 4th date!) They see no reason to wait to meet your family or for you to wait to meet theirs. They may seem pushy or controlling when it comes to your emotions and feelings.  They not only want to be included in your social circle, but in all aspects of your life.

Thirsty for a companionship – This person becomes attached to you very quickly. They thrive off your companionship early on in dating and want to see you everyday. They want you to adjust their schedule so that it always includes you and expect you to do the same.

Insistent on making long-term plans prematurely – They suggest doing things that long-term couples do, like going on trips alone (Bed and Breakfast weekend getaways anyone?), always going on romantic fancy dinners, or even you spending the night with them upon first dating. They are so quick to jump into relationship mode with you that they may subconsciously and automatically start thinking you guys are already in a relationship and will begin to treat you like they would a bf or gf.

Overly nice and a people pleaser – They agree with you on everything, not only to avoid argument, but because they believe it will make you like them more. They don’t want any conflicts to develop so that it seems you are both compatible with each other.

Needy of your time and emotions –  They always want to see you. And on the emotional front, you always seem to find them asking you how you feel about them or the relationship. Insecurity drives their need for consistent reassurance about your feelings for them.

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Being Respected

In Love, Relationships on August 30, 2010 at 8:12 am

written by Swag

“I’m over it. We’re done. I’m sick.”

If you are a closet Jersey Shore feen like me then you recognize those three short sentences. Sammi “Sweetheart” goes out of her way to make statements concerning her digest and unwillingness to continue her relationship with Ron. But in the same minute, she will take care of him in all his glorious, drunken stupor. These two are in desperate need of a high dosage, Love|Hate|Relate  (L|H|R) regimen. 

Sam and Ron’s relationship is a cycle of highs and lows, but neither one of them knows how to relate to the other in a healthy manner. I realize they are young and will try to refrain from judging their characters, especially since I can see that a relationship on a reality television show is designed for drama and probably destined for failure. We will only look at their actions.

Everybody in that house knew how strange Sam’s expression of love was. Why did she go out of her way to be hurt by this guy? Why couldn’t she see what everybody else did? Well, for starters, it is a mark of insecurity. In healthy relationships, Love’s resulting feelings don’t trump disrespect. The desire to love someone else should never trump the requirement to love yourself and loving yourself means demanding a baseline of respect…consistent respect. Both Sam and Ronnie have faults and below are some of their most glaring issues explained with past L|H|R articles:

Sam

I Can’t Read Your F’ing Mind – “I suck at tests. That’s why I didn’t go to college. (Ron’s commentary)” Sam tests Ron constantly. She expects him to know how to please her while communicating the exact opposite of her desires. It was not unreasonable to expect him to spend some alone time with her. However, it was unreasonable for her to be upset that he went to the club after she said it was cool. She expected him know better by reading her mind. That’s just an argument waiting to happen.

Holding on to That Thread of Hope – Ron is nowhere near as emotionally invested as Sammi is. After a dramatic, unsuccessful relationship in the first season, she decided to subject herself to the same problems, all over again. Her desire to salvage that decaying thread of hope places her heart in harm’s way once more and it’s up to her to decide to let it go. Ron is looking for something he wants, an easy cuddle. Sam is looking for something she needs, a sense of emotional security. This is the real root of the issue.

Relationship Negotiations – Sammi got swindled. She now owns a garbage relationship and won’t let herself give it up. Since they have history, that means this time around involves a re-negotiation. The terms of the contract should be modified so Sammi can be happier and more satisfied with her purchase but she is all bark and no bite. She is not willing to play hardball and demand Ron treat her like a girlfriend if he wants all the benefits. The relationship is not on her terms, so in the end, Ron can and will do whatever he wants.

Ron

Grass is Greener – It’s obvious Ron wanted to roam. He wanted to enjoy his time in Miami as a single guy. But what he saw was the opportunity to have his cake and eat it too. He realized he could go hard at the club and still come home to Sam. He would get drunk to have an alibi  (I don’t remember) and he would get pissed off every time Sammi and him went out together so he could feel justified (Look how bitchy she is, I don’t deserve this). Not being completely invested changed the way he valued her as a person.

The Cookie Jar – It’s really selfish for Ron to treat Sam like he actually wants to be a responsible mate. She mistakenly puts her heart in his care and he injures it over and over again because he never wanted her heart, he only wanted to smoosh (cuddle/spoon) on command, which is just the Jersey Shore way of saying he wants the cookies (physical intimacy) without the cookie jar (commitment). Deep down he probably knows this, but since the relationship is on his terms, he benefits from the fiasco.

Couple

I Love it When You Yell at Me – Ron and Sam truly do need healthier conflict resolution skills. Their biggest mistake was believing that the conflict could be swept under the rug and they could go back to cuddling again. It’s fine to no longer be angry in the moment but that doesn’t mean the conflict is over. The conflict is over when the rules of the road are enforced. If you establish a boundary (I don’t like it when you do this), you have to also establish a consequence (If you keep doing it, this is what will happen). Sammi never invoked/enforced proper penalties and Ron knew she never would. It’s like a mother telling her child to stop jumping on the couch and the child defiantly saying “Make Me.” Instead of making him, she just repeats her request with more force.

True Love – Love can not be summed up in three words. While it does have associated feelings, True Love is a choice and an action. Ron never loved Sam because he never acted like it, but the real power lies with Sammi. Who’s going to love someone who doesn’t know how to love their self. It’s not that she didn’t deserve it, but if you don’t believe you should get a better deal, you’ll sign the first crappy contract that comes your way. The person who sold you this rust bucket of a relationship is only going to do the bare minimum required to keep you from selling it or sending it to the junkyard.

I wish I could say Ron and Sammi are the exception, but we all know we have had relationships that mimicked some of their dysfunction. Relationships are never about how much we feel for our significant others. They are about how much we are willing to do for them. No feeling lasts forever, even the heart-pounding elation we connect with love. Even though you can feel love, you can’t expect to always feel loving. It must be a choice. Let us allow Sam and Ronnie’s plight to be a quick lesson in establishing healthy relationships as we await the next episode with guilty anticipation.

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Romance Is For Fools

In Relationships on August 12, 2010 at 9:21 am

   

As a young dude, I was a hopeless romantic. Whenever I fantasized about meeting a girl, it would always be the movie style, eye-lock from across the room, the quiet build up of tension as I walked towards her, and conversation so smooth it would make the Gerber baby’s booty jealous. 

Maybe not this one

My romantic nature wasn’t limited to courting either. In my relationships, I would write poems, plan dinners, set out fruit, candles, the whole nine. (I was a teenager, so that was as good as it got back then). I wanted whomever I was dating at the time to fall madly in love with me. But I learned early on that infatuation doesn’t last. Sooner or later, my motivation to continue those heart-warming deeds withered away like a decaying rose on time-lapse. 

   

I think the same happens to a lot of men. We spend so much precious, romantic fuel chasing cookies, that when we attain our goal, we’re spent. We have no desire left to rekindle the old spark. As I grew up, I swore against the romantic chase. If a girl didn’t like me for me, oh well. I wasn’t going all out to impress someone I may not end up being with in the long run. Don’t get me wrong though, this doesn’t mean I took my dates to Long John Silver’s or anything. They were still treated well, but over the top romance was reserved for the few and far between.  

I guess I was growing up because now I think it’s just a tad bit disingenuous to make a girl fall in love with me when I don’t love her yet…..if ever. The point is, why waste my time and resources. I’m the first person to admonish people for overdosing on fairy tales and here I was feeding into that very fantasy. So, my courting techniques ended up becoming more realistic and reasonable over time.

I’m thinking I made the right decision because I have finally found someone I actually want to be foolishly romantic for…and I love her.

 

 Swag   

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