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Posts Tagged ‘preoccupied’

Are You Attached?

In Relationships on July 23, 2010 at 11:27 am

Please Don't Leave Me

Most relationships follow the same laws and traverse the same curve, but the people involved will usually approach them from very different points. This may be common knowledge to some, but our familial relationships are usually the best indicators of how well we relate to others.

A wise man speaking to his son once said: “How you treat you mother and sisters is how you will treat you wife.” I immediately see the relevance and wonder if any female readers would agree that the inverse is true about fathers, brothers and husbands.

Basically, your past relationship experiences will dictate how you attach to others now. Are you clingy and require a lot of attention? This may be due to you having received too much accommodation and affection in childhood or having received a stunningly low amount of attention and affection at that time. Are you fairly independent and don’t like counting on others for your needs? This could be due to either a perceived rejection earlier in life or some repeated disappointment that you now relate to vulnerability (which you now avoid at all costs).

Read these descriptions of Kim Bartholomew’s Attachment Styles and see what strikes a chord:

Secure – It is easy for me to become emotionally close to others. I am comfortable depending on others and having others depend on me. I don’t worry about being alone or having others not accept me.

Preoccupied – I want to be completely emotionally intimate with others, but I often find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like. I am uncomfortable being without close relationships, but I sometimes worry that others don’t value me as much as I value them.

Fearful – I am uncomfortable getting close to others. I want emotionally close relationships, but I find it difficult to trust others competely, or to depend on them. I worry that I will be hurt if I allow myself to become too close to others.

Dismissing – I am comfortable without close emotional relationships. It is very important to for me to feel independent and self-sufficient, and I prefer not to depend on others or have others depend on me.

Keep in mind that no one fits completely into just one of the above categories. We all slide from one dimension to the next depending on our background, the relationship type and our expectations about what those relationships should provide.

Which attachment style(s) best describes you?



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