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Posts Tagged ‘Mother’

She’s not your mother

In Relationships on September 15, 2010 at 10:00 am

written by Swag

Fellas. Do you treat your mom different from the way you treat other women? Do you treat your significant other the same way you treated your mom? Are you the type of guy to deem some woman wholesome and others uhhh…not so wholesome. Eh, well me too. Makes sense right? Everybody shouldn’t be wined and dined unless they are deserving of such a gesture. Some people you respect the same way you respect your mother. Your wife deserves the same treatment your mother deserves right? Ehhh, probably not. Honestly, it’s probably a bad idea to think of your significant other as another mother.

I just don’t know, but it bothers me to think my future wife would play the role of my mother. My girlfriend knows, I hate to be babied– and her trying to take care of me when I’m sick is like pulling teeth. That isĀ  just one of my personal issues! The real question is: to what degree do we expect our significant others to relate to us as if they were our mothers?

Wife versus mother. The ideas should overlap– but not completely. We as men need to be sure of where to draw this line, least we abuse our significant others by expecting them to provide for us in the exact same manner that our mothers used to.

Trust: We trust our mothers and our wives. Trust is a concept that combines vulnerability and security. If you expect to share anything with anyone then you have to trust they will keep it safe. I know, in my own mind, I take pride in being the protector, the vault, the safe place. But I have also realized I can’t play that role all the time and it’s a burden to play that role for myself. I trust both my mother and my significant other because they provide that security everyone so desperately craves (whether they know it or not).

Confrontation: Be they your mom or be they the love of your life, the women in your life will inevitably confront you with some grievance. I remember the days when my mom would yell my name from the bottom of the stairs. It didn’t matter if I was sleep, doing homework, or watching TV….instant adrenaline rush. My heartbeat would increase, waves of sweat would roll down my face, and my mind would cycle through the previous three days wondering what it could possibly be that I did wrong. My girlfriend, on the other hand, has a completely different approach and usually what I did wrong had a more emotional tint. When she confronts me, my heart sinks and I hope whatever I have done isn’t so bad that she believes I don’t respect or appreciate her. While at times I feel like I am on trial, I know that she always trys her hardest to understand the situation from my point of view.

Clearly Drawn Line
Trust: We trust these women at different times in our lives in different ways. Granted you will probably never stop trusting mom dukes but when was the last time you cried in front your mom. I may be pushing the limitations on this one and threatening the masculinity complex this country has, but I believe grown men know how and aren’t afraid to shed a tear once in a while. Believe me when I say there aren’t many other ways to be more vulnerable with your significant other than that. Allowing your wife or significant other the opportunity to be your emotional vault increases intimacy infinitely.

Confrontation: The difference here lies in how we react to confrontation. Imagine being a teenager or a child and your mom is yelling at you for something you have done. You are probably upset, armed crossed and ready to receive your punishment. Anything to get her to, dare we say it (sorry mom)…anything to get her to shut up. You can not act this way with your significant other. This is no parent-child transaction. I have learned that if you actually listen to your significant other and allow her to bear her grievance, there may never even be a punishment (this of course depends on whether you take what she says to heart). And please DO NOT think of her talking to you about what she feels you have done wrong as a form of punishment, that will only make you resent her emotions. Emotions that you may have caused. You have to be an adult and respect her as an adult.

As men, there is much we need from the women in our lives. Trust, security, empathy, and hard-line of discipline when necessary. My mom knew me inside and out because she raised me. The longer I know my girlfriend, the more she knows me because I choose to show her myself, inside and out. It’s very natural to desire the qualities of our mothers in our significant others. This, however, should not be mistaken for the relationship we share with each woman. A mother deserves a son who grows into a man. That man is who a wife or girlfriend deserves to be with.


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