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Posts Tagged ‘marriage’

Candy For Conversation – New Page

In Candy For Conversation on August 26, 2010 at 3:22 pm

Click here to head over to our Candy For Conversation page . The main reason we started this site was to have open dialog about relationships and healthy love. Sway and I will updating the C-F-C Page with new, instant message style conversations regularly. So check back often for some Food For Thought and Candy For Conversation.

Our first topic, requested by an inquiring and concerned reader is below:

“What is wife or husband material? When does one know to get married or at least engaged?  Are there time constraints? My parents met and 6 months later there were married and THAT was 30 years ago…..Help Swag and Sway!!!!!

Sway’s Sound Off:Women in Their 20’s Looking for the Ring

In Sound Off on August 3, 2010 at 5:10 pm

In the past couple of years I’ve noticed a trend. I get on Facebook and notice that I don’t recognize a good number of people on my friends list. Then I click on their profiles and realize I do know them, they just have different last names because they’ve jumped the broom. Being a 20-something woman in America, I realize this isn’t so unusual. But it definitely has me wondering why females my age are using their early 20’s to settle down?

When they say birds of a feather flock together, it’s proven to be true for me. All of my good friends who are in my age group are still unmarried. So I am still getting used to the idea of other people I know getting married at my age.  I believe that the fact that my friends and I went away for college and didn’t move back home may have something to do with us still being unmarried.

Nevertheless, there are several young women who have followed the route my friend’s and I have, and still get married in their early 20’s. I’ve never understood it personally. The 20’s are the time in life where you are just beginning to live life.  In a typical situation, you graduate from college, get a full-time job, move out on your own and start doing the “grown things” like paying bills and rent. Now I know that everyone’s situation isn’t the same, and that not everyone should be categorized in such a cookie cutter description of life during this period, but the one thing that all young 20-something’s share is the fact that we are all still figuring ourselves out.

To add someone else in the mix that you have an obligation to for the rest of your life, just seems to complicate things in my opinion.  I’m not against relationships during this time. It’s great to have someone around that you love, to share your ups and downs and new experiences of adulthood with. I just don’t see the rush in getting married in your early 20’s, even if you feel like you have found the one.

Who you are at 22 is not who you are at 28 or 29 (hopefully!). One could argue that who someone is at 29 is not who they are at 35 so why get married then? Why? Because you have given yourself enough time to learn about yourself. You have given yourself enough chance to experience yourself. You are not as fickle when it comes to wants, likes, and dislikes. You’ve given yourself a chance to become a fully responsible well-rounded adult.

A marriage is more than a trip to Kleinfeld, a blinging ring to show off, and a change in your last name. Up to this point I’m sure you have pledged portions of your life to things that are temporary; like a few years of school, living in different locations, and changing jobs. But being a wife is a new full-time job you pledge your life to forever. Not to mention, after marriage, every decision you make as a wife has to be compatible with the life of your new counterpart. 

Ladies, why not give yourself a chance to see who you can grow to be in these early 20’s? 18 years of your life have been spent answering to your parents/guardians and now you have a chance to answer to no one but yourself. Live up these years you have to make any decision you want for yourself.

I am by no means trying to say that marriage as a whole is negative and I don’t look down on anyone who gets married at a young age (I am actually intrigued by those who do, just because I can’t imagine doing it myself). Everyone does what they think is best for them. All I am saying is that marriage is forever and your 20’s are not, so take advantage of this time to do you. You will appreciate the fact that you did once you do choose to make the big leap.

 Sway

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She Asked Me to Marry Her!

In Love, Relationships on July 28, 2010 at 12:25 pm

 Recently, it dawned on me how powerful cultural institutions are. If I were to ask a group of women, all in long-term serious relationships, how many of them were comfortable proposing marriage to their significant others, what would be the outcome? I’m going to go all-in and bet a good 75% of the women there would say no to outright proposal. Is this because of the fantasy of having him propose? Is it because they wouldn’t want to force a guy to marry them if he doesn’t want to? Why the uncomfortability with women proposing marriage?

Supposedly, women in western society weren’t first given the right to propose until Scotland passed a law in 1228. The story goes that, before it became law, the opportunity was only available on one day every 4 years. February 29th. Yes, that’s right. Females could propose on a day that only existed during leap year. Craziness, right? 

Ladies, what if a few years pass by while you are in a serious relationshp with someone? Are you not committed? Have you not played the role of wifey for a while now? Isn’t it time to move up a notch and get promoted to actual wife status? Why continue to wait? 

By now, you have probably made up your mind as to whether you want him to be your husband, right? So why can’t you ask? I wonder if it’s because the story of the woman asking a man to marry her just isn’t as romantic. In that light, marriage proposals seem to be for the attention and applause given when they are retold in fairytale fashion. Marriage proposals seem to carry more significance as stories (with rings) than as actual events. 

I know I sound a little harsh and maybe a bit demeaning but let me explain. None of this is to say that the marriage propsoal isn’t important, but the proposal just acts as a facilitator. It facilitates an explicit acknowledgement of commitment. The proposal in and of itself carries no value. What it creates is important. If someone asked you to marry them, and you said no, there wouldn’t be any reason to celebrate. A more appropriate response would be: “Let’s just forget it eeeever happened.” Proposals are only good for the opportunity they provide. The opportunity to explicitly state or affirm your commitment to someone. 

Are women more likely to put forth an ultimatum about marriage than a proposal? Are they more likely to say “You better marry me” than to ask “Will you marry me”? Let’s chew on the below points for a bit: 

1) Before getting serious in a relationship, isn’t it good to have a sense of when (what age) the other person expects to get married. While waiting 3-6months before inquiry is probably a safe bet, any information is good information. So feel free to ask your partner when he feels he would be ready for marriage. If you wait till you are absolutely sure of your commitment to him, he will know you are referring to yourself when you bring the topic up so be mindful of waiting too late as well. He may end up feeling pressured into answering the question in a politically correct fashion. 

2) A mature couple has discussed this topic on multiple occasions by the time they hit the two year mark so if  you have gotten this far and are still avoiding it, it’s best to get it out in open as soon as possible. Most (I emphasize most) women have a deadline age, afterwhich, they want to be married. Most guys, on the other hand, have an threshold age, before which, they can not get married. For some guys that age is well into their forties and fifties. Wouldn’t it be nice to know this ahead of time?

3) What if your partner of a few years asked you to marry him and you said no? What if you decided that marriage wasn’t what you wanted at that time? What would you expect to happen? Are you saying that you aren’t ready for marriage just yet or that you don’t want to marry him? If you just weren’t ready, would you make him wait until you were? Would you even want him to wait? Would you have said yes because you felt pressured? 

If you are with someone you love and you have made up your marital mind. Then what’s wrong with asking him to marry you? If you marrying the man you love is truly about manifesting your committment and not about a story to tell, then propose to him and see where that gets you? 

 Swag 

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