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Posts Tagged ‘Love’

Breaking Up Takes Courage

In Love on September 23, 2010 at 2:15 pm

 written by Sway

When it comes to break ups, there is no easy way to go through them. Depending on how much you and your partner are emotionally invested in your relationship, a break up could be one of the hardest things you will ever have to go through.

I have been both the initiator of break ups as well as the recipient, in my past experiences, and let me tell you, neither is easy to handle. Of course, the times where I was the recipient were hard periods of my love life. I still wanted to be in those relationships and felt like somewhere along the line I had failed as a girlfriend. There were many times where I felt like I was the reason for the break up. I would beat myself up for things not working out and took things personally. But at the end of the day I had to realize that sometimes it’s not about me. Sometimes you can do any and everything to keep a relationship together but it all comes down to being compatible with the needs and wants of the person you are with. If what you need and want out of a relationship doesn’t match the needs and wants of your partner, then it’s inevitable that the relationship won’t last.

Initiating a break up was sometimes a hurdle for me as well. But I found that the situations where I was an “Initiator of Want” were easier than those where I was an “Initiator of Need”. 

Let’s break these two types down:

Initiator of  Want– This is when you realize you no longer want to be with the person you’ve invested your time with.  It could be for a variety of reasons such as not being compatible, lack of desire, wanting to play the field, etc. So you want to get out of the relationship. If the break up isn’t mutual, it can be seen as you getting the upper hand out of the situation, because you’re getting your way. But being the initiator of a break up, isn’t always peaches and cream. You still have to have the courage to break the news to your partner and there is no easy way to do that.

Initiator of Need– This is exemplified in those instances where the initiator of a break up needs to get out of the relationship for various reasons. Between the two, this initiator has it harder when it comes to the break up, because they still have the desire to be with their partner but circumstances have made it hard for them to continue on with the relationship. Examples of some circumstances are:

  • long distance making the relationship hard to maintain
  • finding out your partner is a cheater
  • partner is physically or emotionally abusive
  • partner is withdrawn from the relationship

These examples are not limited, as there are several other instances that can be used to describe a situation for an Initiator of Need. Breaking up with one of my exes while being an Initiator of Need was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. Since the desire to be with him was still present and going strong, it was easy for me to rationalize why we should still be together. Even though our relationship had got to a point where there were more negatives than positives, through rationalization, I found a way to dismiss the negatives in my mind so that the positives would prevail. 

The truth was, these positive points of the relationship that I let trump the negatives, were of the past. The negatives were of the present. Essentially, I was lying to myself just to continue to invest in a relationship that was already crumbling. I was very much holding on to something that had dissipated. This only brought me more emotional turmoil. Luckily I was blessed to not have been in an abusive situation as holding onto a relationship like that is a very life threatening, dangerous thing to do.

So how does someone who is still very much in love, find the courage to leave any relationship circumstance listed above and be an Initiator of Need? It can be done if they were to answer these questions:

Are you more invested than your partner?

Has your partner done anything to you that has compromised the relationship?

Is your relationship stressing you out more than making you happy? This can coincide with another question….

Do the positives of the relationship live in the past and are the negatives of the present?

If you answered yes to any or all of these questions then ask yourself this one last question:

 

How much do you value yourself?

 

Loving someone who isn’t showing you love back (not just telling you they love you) is counterproductive to your life. Remember that you have goals and dreams you want to aspire to, and  the dead weight of a horrible or dangerous relationship should never be compatible with those wants and needs. Don’t use your love for this other person, or your hope that the situation will change, as the excuse (yes I said excuse) for being with them! If you want to stick around to see if things can change, then do it from afar….like from outside the relationship.

Stop investing in them and start investing in YOU. Invest in your feelings, esteem, sanity or anything else you think may have fallen by the waist side while being in this relationship. Remember that you deserve to be happy. Being an Initiator of Need takes a boatload of courage and strength and is so much easier said than done. But as long as you value yourself, your needs and your desires, you will realize that it can be done.

 

If you, or anyone you know is being physically abused, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE(7233) or TTY 1−800−787−3224.

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The Cookie Jar

In Attraction, Intimacy, Relationships on July 30, 2010 at 10:46 am

It’s probably obvious that I won’t be talking about real cookies today. What can I say? I love a good metaphor. This post is directed at any man who actually wants to find love (and keep it).

I know I may shock the ladies out there with this one but men ‘fall in love’ about as often as women do. We get infatuated and caught up. We crush hard and go to sleep with you on our minds. Oh yes, guys can fall in love. The real difference, I would say, is how easily men can fall out of love.

So let me describe a scenario to the fellas. Say you have found the sweetest girl on earth. She has a great smile and an infectious laugh. Everything she does is either a turn on or an inspiration. She’s confident and classy, poised and pretty. She’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever known. You love everything about her and want to take it to the next level. You have only known her for a month or so but you can tell she likes you because she giggles and blushes when you compliment her. In fact, she seems to like you a lot and tonight will be the first time either of you has ever been over the other person’s house. You bring her over to yours, of course, so there isn’t any chance of her kicking you out. More control of the environment and situation means more control over the outcome right? Cool.

The night progresses and goes from light and airy to hot and heavy. The passion is heating up and you decide to change locales and take her to the bedroom…..

Keep your hands out of that cookie jar boy!! The men who are honest enough to speak the truth will agree when I say that if you follow through on this, then there is a good chance that you will stop chasing.

Seriously. We are brainwashed indoctrinated by society to want and need the romantic chase. Both women and men love and adhere to it. We have this picture that love is like a high-speed chase, where women are meant to be pursued with a vigilance only seen in movies. But in reality, we as men see many women driving way too fast, running from pain and heartache. Like cops we can’t allow those women to go unabated. “Not on my stretch of the road,” we think. “I’m the law around here.” And so the chase ensues. We chase and it’s fun. She runs by playing hard to get while trying to keep her emotions in check. But we know its only a matter of time before something breaks down and we get what we want. THE COOKIES.

YES, I said it ladies. Some guys are only looking to snack on your goodies.

But I’m not talking to the guys who believe cookies are the goal. I am talking to the guys that haven’t quite figured out why the fun stops after the chase.

I am speaking from experience when I say this. If you really like someone, then the time you wait before opening the cookie jar is worth its wait in GOLD. Sexual Intimacy changes everything. You don’t think about each other the same way and many times when you attain it too early fellas, your compassionate side tends to disappear.

This may not be of any surprise but when you take a cookie out the jar, you now own the jar. It’s yours for safekeeping. The problem is, we never take care of our own things as well as we would someone elses. We just kind of leave the cookie jar around, unattended. We think since it is already ours we don’t have to put much work into to keeping it. “Who’s gonna steal my cookie jar. My name is on it.”  (Or maybe we are dumb enough to think we ate all the cookies – “There is nothing left, you can have it”).

In order to truly understand the worth of your lady (beyond her cookie jar) you have to delay the gratification. It’s an exercise in valuing your partner. Humans are treasures and if you plan on trying to love someone properly, then you had better get a full appraisal before purchasing of their heart or their jar. If you can’t afford the payments, you may be getting a visit from the repo man real soon.

 Swag 

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I Like You, I Love You Not

In Love, Relationships on July 21, 2010 at 2:01 pm

joe-ks.com

There’s always one major hurdle to jump over while being in a long-term serious relationship. It’s the three magical words that seem to change everything…

I love you.

In half of the long-term relationships I’ve been, in I’ve been the first to say “I love you”. In the others, my boyfriends were the first. In that aspect, I believe this post applies to my ladies as well as the guys.

When you first realize that you love your significant other, the feeling can go from happiness and exhilaration, to panicky when you attempt to figure out if they feel the same way. You may second guess the feeling to see if it’s real and once you discover it is, you realize you have to deal with it accordingly.

In those instances when I realized I loved my boyfriends before the three words were exchanged, I tried to hold out on telling them for as long as I could  to see if they would say it to me first (okay, I admit to having a great amount of PRIDE). When it didn’t happen, I made the choice to tell them anyway.

I’m not saying this is the best way to go about it, but the benefit was that by the time I expressed how I felt, I was so sure of my feelings that I was able to say it with confidence. This was vital because saying those three words was not something I took lightly.

For me, it was a pivotal point in the relationship where I was telling my man, who I not only cared for immensely, that I was willing to be there for them through the thick of it. I was using those three words to say that I wanted to be there for them emotionally and mentally on a deeper level that is akin to unconditional love.

If you love your girlfriend or boyfriend and want to tell them, make sure you are confident in what you feel. Also ask yourself what loving them means to you? Once you tell them that you love them, telling them how you mean it will give them a good sense of where you stand.

If they don’t say it back right away, please don’t trip out. Think about it…maybe they are still figuring out how they feel and want to make sure they are comfortable before they make the big “L-word leap”. The worse thing you can do is pressuring them to say it back. This puts them in an uncomfortable position and besides, wouldn’t you want them to say it to you only if they truly felt the same way?

On the flip side, if you are on the receiving end of the L-word it may seem like you have it easy but, there is still room for error. The biggest mistake you could make when your boo says “I love you” is saying “I love you” back and not meaning it (that’s a pretty big lie)! Love isn’t just a noun, it’s a verb. So if you say you love someone you have to show them. Why put yourself through the trouble of faking an emotion?  Say it when you feel it. Your partner should understand.

Make sure you keep the lines of communication open with them about how you feel about them. Even if you aren’t ready to say “I love you”, you can still reassure them that you are with them for a reason. The day you are ready to tell them, they will be that much more appreciative of it.

Sway

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Forgiveness & Vindication

In Hate, Love on July 19, 2010 at 9:13 am



You know, Sway’s been speaking some truth about Emotional Baggage over on the Bag Lady post. It got me wondering though. Why is it so hard for people to love, let live and forgive.

Do you feel vindicated when you don’t forgive someone as if you are enacting some righteous punishment? Do you feel justified for hating the person who has wronged you?

Forgiveness is not reconciliation. You don’t have to make amends and you aren’t required to be friends. Forgiveness is also not forgetting what happened (that’s called psychological repression – like a backed up toilet, it will come back to haunt you).

What I mean is authentic, peace enducing  forgiveness. Some of us may even need to forgive ourselves as well. Below are three ways to help you stop emotionally prosecuting those who have wronged you and move forward with your life.

1) Reframe the situation – Bad things happen to everybody. It’s not  a matter of what happened but how you react. It may be difficult to do at first but try telling yourself it was meant to be this way. The Good and the Bad allowed you to refine what standards you can and cannot compromise.

2) Do You – Seriously, just DO YOU!! Stop worrying about past, present and future relationships. No person is completely defined by the interactions they have with others. Which means your worth isn’t completely based on having a significant others in your life. Many of us seek appreciation in others because it’s hard to value ourselves. Go try something you have never done before. Pursue a talent or hobby that has been waiting for some love. Don’t wait for the emotions to pass, make them pass by replacing them with better emotions.

3) Set Standards not Sentences – If you’ve been hurt, then most likely you will create standards and beliefs that will help you to avoid being hurt again. Smart and reasonable, I say. What you can’t do is make your standards a life sentence. If the next person that comes along doesn’t measure up to your standards when you meet them, most likely they never will. Stick to your guns and don’t sacrifice for the sake of ‘what-if”, ‘maybe’, or ‘they can change.’

Swag

Note – Forgiveness is just as necessary in a relationship as it is after one.

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A Love Triangle

In Intimacy, Love on July 16, 2010 at 12:04 am

The post title probably got you all worked up. But its not that kind of party people.

Robert Sternberg created this concept in the late ’80s. He believes that Love consists of three legs.

A) Intimacy – closeness, warmth, communication and support
B) Passion – physical attraction, desires, longing, and strong emotional needs other than sexual
C) Commitment – a decision of devotion to someone

What do you think? Is this it? Isn’t there more to Love than a simple diagram?

 Swag

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