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Being the Wing(wo)man

In Compatibility on March 2, 2011 at 3:48 pm

  written by Sway

tyra.com

I just realized recently that out of the majority of my friends, I am one of the only ones that is in a relationship. Times that were once spent going on double and triple dates with my man in tow, are now just my man and I or us surrounded by a group of single friends.

And by all means, I have no problem with it. There have been times in the past where I was one of the few single people in my circle so it’s not that big of deal to me.

So it seems that having the “booed up” status has automatically earned me the new title of wingman…ahem wing woman for my friends when we go out. And though I don’t feel like the expert, I thought I’d write some tips on how to be the perfect wing woman based off of my experiences. Note: These tips are not gender specific and can be applied to wingmen also.

BE ENCOURAGING– So you’re out and about and one of your friends sees someone they find attractive but may not feel comfortable approaching them. Encourage them to talk to them! And if they are too shy, remember that’s what you are there for…lol.

CONFIDENCE IS KEY-Maybe you aren’t normally assertive or outgoing when it comes to approaching the opposite sex, but if you plan on being a wingwoman, you have to let shyness go by the waistside. There’s no way to get someone’s attention or make a memorable impression on someone if you don’t have that initial confidence.

KNOW YOUR ROLE– If you are single, avoid being greedy, and trying to steal someone away from your friend. That defeats the whole purpose of being a wingwoman in the first place. Know your purpose! You are aiding your friend in their romantic pursuits, not in your own (and if you are taken, you should be ashamed of yourself).

FILL IN THE BLANKS– You know, it’s funny. I’ve realized that there has to be a certain balance when it comes to playing the wingwoman. You are there to come in where your friend may fall short and you want to get the interest of your friend’s conquest, but not so much so that they are more interested in you than her. I know that there is no way of preventing someone being attracted to you over your friend, but keeping your friend as the main focus when breaking the ice with her conquest should help you to draw a clear line in showing them what your motives are. Your duty as a wingwoman isn’t to knock your friend out of the limelight and steal her shine, it’s to present her in the most appealing way possible. Which leads me to this next point…

DON’T OVER-DO IT-You want to present her in the most appealing way possible but that doesn’t mean going on and on rattling off a list of her life accomplishments. You are not a used car salesman, so please don’t try and sell your friend to her conquest. If they are interested in her, they will be open to your approach. If not,  move on. Think of yourself as her recruiter, not her spokesperson. Your job is to recruit, introduce, and let things happen from there.

KNOW WHEN TO PULL OUT-(That’s what she said?)<PAUSE> The introduction is made between your friend and her conquest. If they are hitting it off quite well, then that’s when you know you can dust your shoulders off for a job well done. There’s no need in lurking around unless you ALL are having a good time. So it’s up to you to gage when three is a crowd. But let’s just say she’s not feeling him after a while and doesn’t have the courage to tell him? Feel free to assist in removing herself from the situation. If your friend seems stuck, give her lines to get out. Her saying she “needs to get back to her friends” as a reason to cut her conversation short with her now ex-conquest is acceptable. There is absolutely nothing wrong using your friends as an excuse!

Keeping Him Interested

In Relationships on July 26, 2010 at 1:49 pm

There are few things more fatal to a relationship than monotony. There is, however, a clear difference between complacent routine and an established rhythm. At some point in your relationship, you will develop a rhythm. it gives each person involved a baseline expectation. “I know I can count on you for this.” Having faith in your partners rhythm breeds trust and familiarity. But the weeds of complacency are always lurking in the dark waiting to disturb you.

I was dating a girl for about 1 and half years and at one point I experienced this exact situation. The weeds started to grow and the complacent routine was feeding them. I came to resent the daily routine we cycled through. I hated the complacency and monotony of it all. I couldn’t agree with the expectation that this was as good as it gets. That our happiness as a couple was based on our current situation. It wasn’t that she wasn’t forward looking. She was very future oriented (she had already planned out which college we would attend and when we would get married).

What bothered me the most was this implicit belief and expectation that we would be the exact same people in five years that we were at that moment. There was this belief that our needs wouldn’t change. I knew the belief was there because my needs had changed during the year and a half that we were together. I didn’t know what I wanted but I knew it wasn’t the same thing I had previously. Just being with me was good enough for her but I couldn’t relate. I was 14 at the time and was either unable or unwilling (I’m still not sure which) to communicate that I was unhappy with our relationship. I may not have known what I wanted from the relationship but at some point I did decide that I no longer wanted a relationship with her. Admittedly, I feel into the grass is greener trap and used my attraction to another friend as an excuse to finally break up with her. I went about it in an immature manner, but the fact remains that my expectations and needs changed over time. I hadn’t realized it at the time but every relationship must deal with this inevitability.

I could have avoided the entire situation by communicating what was on my mind, but I didn’t. So ladies I am writing this post to help you when your man is as immature or unaware as I was about his needs. This is to help you be proactive in your relationship. By all means, this post was not written so anyone can plot and prod behind their partners back. So, if you answer yes to any of the questions below, then please PLEASE communicate your issues to your significant other. This is not meant to provide ammunition, rather it is meant to raise awareness. The best way to bring him back into the fold is to express concern without alienating him. Try not to blame or accuse, just state facts and hopefully he will respond accordingly.

Is he much less enthusiastic than normal when he sees you? – This may be due to the fact that he doesn’t feel the same level of excitement you once generated. While it is not a reasonable expectation to have someone excite you all the time, there should be a general level of authentic enjoyment displayed when he sees you. Think about the trend of violent movies over the last twenty years. The have gotten more gruesome, gory and detailed because the audience has become desensitized to violence in general. Along the same lines people tend to become desensitized to their significant others when they spend large amounts of time together. You are your own person and expecting someone to generate the same emotions and reactions based on the same stimulus is unreasonable. Make sure the stimulus (you) continues to grow and blossom so that he continuously sees you in a new light.

Does he spend more time with his friends than with you? – This is a subjective question. For one, this has to be measured over a long period of time. I would recommend not worrying unless the issue persisted for longer than a month. If after two weeks, it really bothers you, then communicate your feelings in a nonblaming fashion and see how he reacts. He may not be aware of how it affects you. If the behavior continues despite communication and for a long period of time, he may be withdrawing from the relationship. Depending on how early this situation occurs and how long it lasts, he may no longer be invested in the relationship, so you will need to take a long, honest look at what you options are (but only after many attempts at communication).

Does he speak about other people with passion and zeal? – This is not as bad as it seems. Imagine meeting someone who just seems passionate about life. Don’t you feed off of their energy? Subconsciously, he may be stating that he desires this experience with you. The weed of resentment will begin to grow if he ever feels this inspiration is lacking in his relationship with you. Mitigate this by making sure you are passionate about what you do in life. This doesn’t mean become a workaholic because your passion may not be what you do for a living. He will be able to tell the difference between passion and obligation. There is nothing wrong with venting about the stresses of work, but make sure to balance it out with a conversation about something that excites you. Your passion will make him passionate.

Swag

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