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Posts Tagged ‘hope’

Breaking Up Takes Courage

In Love on September 23, 2010 at 2:15 pm

 written by Sway

When it comes to break ups, there is no easy way to go through them. Depending on how much you and your partner are emotionally invested in your relationship, a break up could be one of the hardest things you will ever have to go through.

I have been both the initiator of break ups as well as the recipient, in my past experiences, and let me tell you, neither is easy to handle. Of course, the times where I was the recipient were hard periods of my love life. I still wanted to be in those relationships and felt like somewhere along the line I had failed as a girlfriend. There were many times where I felt like I was the reason for the break up. I would beat myself up for things not working out and took things personally. But at the end of the day I had to realize that sometimes it’s not about me. Sometimes you can do any and everything to keep a relationship together but it all comes down to being compatible with the needs and wants of the person you are with. If what you need and want out of a relationship doesn’t match the needs and wants of your partner, then it’s inevitable that the relationship won’t last.

Initiating a break up was sometimes a hurdle for me as well. But I found that the situations where I was an “Initiator of Want” were easier than those where I was an “Initiator of Need”. 

Let’s break these two types down:

Initiator of  Want– This is when you realize you no longer want to be with the person you’ve invested your time with.  It could be for a variety of reasons such as not being compatible, lack of desire, wanting to play the field, etc. So you want to get out of the relationship. If the break up isn’t mutual, it can be seen as you getting the upper hand out of the situation, because you’re getting your way. But being the initiator of a break up, isn’t always peaches and cream. You still have to have the courage to break the news to your partner and there is no easy way to do that.

Initiator of Need– This is exemplified in those instances where the initiator of a break up needs to get out of the relationship for various reasons. Between the two, this initiator has it harder when it comes to the break up, because they still have the desire to be with their partner but circumstances have made it hard for them to continue on with the relationship. Examples of some circumstances are:

  • long distance making the relationship hard to maintain
  • finding out your partner is a cheater
  • partner is physically or emotionally abusive
  • partner is withdrawn from the relationship

These examples are not limited, as there are several other instances that can be used to describe a situation for an Initiator of Need. Breaking up with one of my exes while being an Initiator of Need was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. Since the desire to be with him was still present and going strong, it was easy for me to rationalize why we should still be together. Even though our relationship had got to a point where there were more negatives than positives, through rationalization, I found a way to dismiss the negatives in my mind so that the positives would prevail. 

The truth was, these positive points of the relationship that I let trump the negatives, were of the past. The negatives were of the present. Essentially, I was lying to myself just to continue to invest in a relationship that was already crumbling. I was very much holding on to something that had dissipated. This only brought me more emotional turmoil. Luckily I was blessed to not have been in an abusive situation as holding onto a relationship like that is a very life threatening, dangerous thing to do.

So how does someone who is still very much in love, find the courage to leave any relationship circumstance listed above and be an Initiator of Need? It can be done if they were to answer these questions:

Are you more invested than your partner?

Has your partner done anything to you that has compromised the relationship?

Is your relationship stressing you out more than making you happy? This can coincide with another question….

Do the positives of the relationship live in the past and are the negatives of the present?

If you answered yes to any or all of these questions then ask yourself this one last question:

 

How much do you value yourself?

 

Loving someone who isn’t showing you love back (not just telling you they love you) is counterproductive to your life. Remember that you have goals and dreams you want to aspire to, and  the dead weight of a horrible or dangerous relationship should never be compatible with those wants and needs. Don’t use your love for this other person, or your hope that the situation will change, as the excuse (yes I said excuse) for being with them! If you want to stick around to see if things can change, then do it from afar….like from outside the relationship.

Stop investing in them and start investing in YOU. Invest in your feelings, esteem, sanity or anything else you think may have fallen by the waist side while being in this relationship. Remember that you deserve to be happy. Being an Initiator of Need takes a boatload of courage and strength and is so much easier said than done. But as long as you value yourself, your needs and your desires, you will realize that it can be done.

 

If you, or anyone you know is being physically abused, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE(7233) or TTY 1−800−787−3224.

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Holding on to That Thread of Hope

In Relationships on July 29, 2010 at 4:16 pm
battlebetweenrealitynfairytale.blogspot.com

Your girl Sway has had her share of break-ups and heartache throughout her love journey. In the situations where  I still wanted to be with my ex after the break-up,  I would always go through a period of wondering if we were ever going to get back together again. The window of time where I felt this way varied for different exes, but after I got past the fact that things wouldn’t be like before, I finally allowed myself the mindset needed to heal and move forward.

It’s good and necessary to evaluate an old relationship when it comes to what worked and what improvements could have been made.  But if you’re holding on to an expired relationship, then you’re not only holding yourself back from enjoying your life to its fullest,  but also from meeting someone new.

Sometimes when it’s over, it’s over.

The getting-over-it period is likely to last longer if you are dealing with the end of a relationship you aren’t ready to dismiss.  We have all heard people say:  “it takes time, eventually your heart will heal again”. This advice, cliche but true, is great, but what about when the desire for your ex doesn’t go away?

Here’s an analogy I’ve created that describes the situation:

<The symbol of the bond that you and your partner have created over time to form a relationship is a thick rope made of several thin fibers. You holding one end of the rope and your partner holding the other, symbolizes that both parties are committed and invested in the relationship. If your partner breaks up with you, they have let go of the rope.  If you are still invested, then you are still holding on. As time passes and you begin to get over the break up, the thin fibers you are holding (that made the relationship so strong) gradually begin to wear and detach themselves from the thick rope.                                                                                                                                         
    Each time you make a stride towards getting past the relationship, whether it be, not talking to your ex as much, or deleting emails that remind you of them, the fibers strip themselves from the rope. Eventually you find that what was once a strong rope is now a piece of thread. Now you are at the point where you feel like you can finally move forward. But before you move forward, there is one last thing you must do…….you must let go of that thread of hope.>

Sure the thread appears thin and fragile and doesn’t seem to do any damage, but it can be quite the opposite. This thread is the last piece of the relationship. It’s the last piece of hope. You are holding on to something that you and your ex created. And not only is your ex not invested in it any longer, but it no longer exists.  (That alone would make someone want to let go of the thread, but remember that wanting and doing are two different things.)

As time progresses, you should be noticing that you feel less for the relationship and your ex, not more. If you find that you are feeling a great amount of passion for your ex after what you would consider to be a long time, then you are still holding on. This is more detrimental to you than anything.

Once you realize you want to let go, determine what you need to do to make it happen for yourself. If you try different things and realize nothing is working then try something new. Do you still hang with your ex? Are you still in communication with them? If so, then cut it off. It’s very drastic I know. But drastic measures yield drastic results and in this case, you may need it. Having peace of mind is more important than anything else.

 Sway

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