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Sway’s Sound Off: Leaving My Friends for My Boyfriend?

In Relationships, Sound Off on September 29, 2010 at 9:00 am
 written by Sway

Myyyy girlfriends....there through thick and thin..."

Let me tell you right off the bat, that I am sounding off about myself.  

I am guilty.  


Of what, you ask? It’s hard to admit, but for the purpose of the post I will tell you.  

I am guilty of forgetting about my girlfriends sometimes.  

Yes it is inevitable, that once someone gets into a relationship, they will hang out with their friends a bit less than before (well sometimes).  Instead of having to divide their time to just work/school, family, extracurriculars/responsibilities, and friends, they now have to add their significant other in the mix which. And this usually results in less time allotted to one of the other areas.  

And for me, that area is my friends. I’ve realized over the years that I have a pattern of getting into a relationship and hanging out with and/or calling my girls significantly less than before being attached. It’s not like I cut all ties to them or ignore them, but sometimes I will “think about going” to something they invited me to just in case something  my boyfriend wants to do comes up. I know, I know, it’s no bueno…  

What I’ve noticed is that while this trend happens to both genders (admit it guys, you know you’ve had that feeling of wanting to spend all your free time with your new girl because they excite you and make you feel all giddy inside), females tend to fall victim to it more often.  

When females are single, we attach ourselves to our friends and live for girls nights out at the club. We shop, get mani’s and pedi’s together, plan lunch and dinner dates, and go to happy hours galore.  

Lauren, Audrina, and Lo always carve out "she-time" for each other/

Then all of a sudden we get a boyfriend and BOOM!…girl-time is now diminished to meeting up when we “have the time”.  

Guys are a different story. Example-when guys are single, they go clubbing, watch ESPN with the boys, play their PS3, and play ball. But what happens when they get a girlfriend?  

Guys always have time in their schedules for "he-time"

They go clubbing, watch ESPN with the boys, play their PS3, and play ball, lol.  

From my experiences, nothing really changes too drastically. I’ve noticed that guys don’t seem to place their friends on the back burner as much as women do once they get into a relationship. I’ve had this conversation with a few of my girlfriends and they all agreed.  

Sadly, I have been guilty of this. And some of my friends have been guilty as well. You ladies may be guilty of it and don’t even realize it (The times when I discover that I hang out with my boyfriend’s friends more than my own is when I think about this).  

But I guess the question is, what is it about getting into relationships that causes us females to detach ourselves from our true blue friends?   

Your girls have always been there for you. They took you out for an all night drinking binge to forget your nasty boss when you got laid off. They were the ones to throw you a surprise party for your birthday. They let you borrow their favorite formal dress when you had nothing to wear for a last-minute gala invite. And when that guy who occupied all your old girl-time for months broke up with you, your friends were at your doorstep with kleenex on hand and shoulders to cry on.  

My own true girlfriends have done so much for me. And while I cherish them, sometimes I feel like I fail to show it. I never want to be that girl who my friends think has “disappeared off the face of the earth” just because I have a man. I never want my friends to feel like they can’t come to me with a problem because I’ll be too busy for them.  

I refuse to be a "friend" like Heidi Montag!

There is a way to balance my-time (time with myself), we-time (time with my boyfriend), and she-time (time with my girls). I am definitely better at it than I was before.  But I’m going to have to take notes from my boyfriend and other males in relationships on this one, and imitate what they do. After all, if they can balance he-time and we-time successfully, then there is no reason why I can’t either.


Swag’s Sound Off: I Can’t Read Your F’ing Mind!

In Sound Off on August 4, 2010 at 9:41 am

Call Me Now!I have no desire to be Miss Cleo’s male counterpart and I don’t wish I was psychic either. So if we are dating and something is wrong with you then I’m not going to be able to read your mind. You will need to figure out the reasons why and communicate them so I can know what’s up .

We aren’t playing TABOO, so I don’t want any hints and we aren’t playing CLUE, so don’t give me any of those either.

If we have been together for a while, then sooner or later I will be able to translate your subtle behavior. I’ll probably know how you are feeling just by looking at you. I am not blind and can obviously see when you are distressed.

Despite all this though, I still won’t know exactly why you feel the way you do at any given time.

Long term relationships cause us to be around our significant others so much that we end up believing we can mind read. We feel like we know everything there is to know about them and then expect them to know the same about us. This is not only an unreasonable expectation, it’s unfair.

I have absolutely fallen into this trap before. There are times when I forget my girlfriend is even a different person. Sometimes I forget to tell her things because I assume I have already told her. How did she find out? When did I tell her? Did she find out through osmosis?

It’s at those times when I realize I am not only taking our communication channels for granted, I am also taking her personhood for granted. We can be with people for so long that we end up considering them extensions of ourselves. But one of the most important things you can do to sustain your relationship is value your partner as a human being with their own thoughts, feelings, and behavior patterns. Believing your significant other can read your mind is the same thing as believing they see the world exactly as you do. You are discounting who they are and how they perceive the world as a complete person separate from you entirely.

If you communicate with me then I can learn to empathize with your feelings and be more considerate. Hint at me and all I learn is that I have done something wrong. I don’t learn what, why, or how it affects you. You can either treat me like a adult and ask me to step up to the plate or treat me like a child and punish me with scornful looks and uncomfortable atmospheres. Either way, I am going to react accordingly so please, PLEASE…don’t play games.



Sway’s Sound Off:Women in Their 20’s Looking for the Ring

In Sound Off on August 3, 2010 at 5:10 pm

In the past couple of years I’ve noticed a trend. I get on Facebook and notice that I don’t recognize a good number of people on my friends list. Then I click on their profiles and realize I do know them, they just have different last names because they’ve jumped the broom. Being a 20-something woman in America, I realize this isn’t so unusual. But it definitely has me wondering why females my age are using their early 20’s to settle down?

When they say birds of a feather flock together, it’s proven to be true for me. All of my good friends who are in my age group are still unmarried. So I am still getting used to the idea of other people I know getting married at my age.  I believe that the fact that my friends and I went away for college and didn’t move back home may have something to do with us still being unmarried.

Nevertheless, there are several young women who have followed the route my friend’s and I have, and still get married in their early 20’s. I’ve never understood it personally. The 20’s are the time in life where you are just beginning to live life.  In a typical situation, you graduate from college, get a full-time job, move out on your own and start doing the “grown things” like paying bills and rent. Now I know that everyone’s situation isn’t the same, and that not everyone should be categorized in such a cookie cutter description of life during this period, but the one thing that all young 20-something’s share is the fact that we are all still figuring ourselves out.

To add someone else in the mix that you have an obligation to for the rest of your life, just seems to complicate things in my opinion.  I’m not against relationships during this time. It’s great to have someone around that you love, to share your ups and downs and new experiences of adulthood with. I just don’t see the rush in getting married in your early 20’s, even if you feel like you have found the one.

Who you are at 22 is not who you are at 28 or 29 (hopefully!). One could argue that who someone is at 29 is not who they are at 35 so why get married then? Why? Because you have given yourself enough time to learn about yourself. You have given yourself enough chance to experience yourself. You are not as fickle when it comes to wants, likes, and dislikes. You’ve given yourself a chance to become a fully responsible well-rounded adult.

A marriage is more than a trip to Kleinfeld, a blinging ring to show off, and a change in your last name. Up to this point I’m sure you have pledged portions of your life to things that are temporary; like a few years of school, living in different locations, and changing jobs. But being a wife is a new full-time job you pledge your life to forever. Not to mention, after marriage, every decision you make as a wife has to be compatible with the life of your new counterpart. 

Ladies, why not give yourself a chance to see who you can grow to be in these early 20’s? 18 years of your life have been spent answering to your parents/guardians and now you have a chance to answer to no one but yourself. Live up these years you have to make any decision you want for yourself.

I am by no means trying to say that marriage as a whole is negative and I don’t look down on anyone who gets married at a young age (I am actually intrigued by those who do, just because I can’t imagine doing it myself). Everyone does what they think is best for them. All I am saying is that marriage is forever and your 20’s are not, so take advantage of this time to do you. You will appreciate the fact that you did once you do choose to make the big leap.



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