Love Living, Quit Hating, Everyone Relating

Candy-For-Convo

 

FOR

CANDY FOR CONVERSATION (2010-08-26)

Topic:

“What is wife or husband material? When does one know to get married or at least engaged?  Are there time constraints? My parents met and 6 months later there were married and THAT was 30 years ago…..Help Swag and Sway!!!!!

Swag: Hey

Sway: hey

Sway: hows it going

Swag: Good

Swag: In your eyes what is husband material

Sway: good husband material
lol is alot!
especially if I’m going to be dealing with him for the rest of my life
I have high standards for that

Swag: I hear ya it doesn’t make sense to marry someone who doesn’t fit your standards

Sway: it would have to be someone who has all the qualities I want in a boyfriend plus be a family person
someone who looks towards the bigger picture

Swag: Want in boyfriend??

Sway: yeah

Swag: That’s a bit vague eh?

Swag: What do you want in a boyfriend

Sway: the things I want in a bf being honesty, intelligence, sense of humor, drive, someone who inspires me to be a better person
someone I am comfortable with and compatible with
someone I trust
who has my best interests in mind
those are a few of the most important qualities I would want my boyfriend to have

Swag: You know its funny, cuz I think some people actually look to get a husband or wife but don’t expect them to have husband or wife qualities

Sway: why do you say that?
what do you think people expect?

Swag: Well I think it has a lot to do with wanting the status of wife or husband for yourself versus actually wanting a good wife or husband
Looking at it I would say as you start dating someone you should be deciding whether they are fit for spousal duty

Swag: If you aren’t looking then hopefully that is explicitly stated and understood by both people

Sway: I agree with the 2nd statement
but I don’t know about people getting married just to have the title
unless you’re in the military and need the benefits…lol

Swag: Well it’s either that or you aren’t that well versed in choosing a good partner
But I digress
The real question is when can you be sure the person you are with should be your husband or wife

Sway: when you can envision living your life with them
or having kids with them
or growing old with them
and see a future with them

Swag: But what if you envision that right off the bat…does that mean you guys should be married

Sway: yeah there are times when you envision these things in a relationship that may or may not work out

Swag: My point exactly

Sway: what do you consider right off the bat?

Swag: As in we just started talking and I am already thinking about 2.5 kids and a white picket fence. I just think you have to consider what it would take to make it work not just the fluffy dreamy stuff that makes marriage great

Sway: I am not a believer in people doing the whole Mariah Carey – Nick Cannon type of thing, but sometimes it actually works out for people

Swag: Lmao…mariah-nick / dream-christina type marriages (what is that man’s real name, anyway)
Very rarely do those work out

Sway: yeah…but just like anything in relationships, everything should be done when you feel ready and IF the person you are with is on the same page
how will I know if I’m ready to marry someone? It’s really hypothetical because I’ve never been engaged, but I guess I will know when I think I would regret not doing it

Swag: I say the best way to know whether you should marry someone is 1) how well do they resolve conflict, 2) how well do they communicate, 3) how intimate are they, 4) do they have any trust issues and 5) do they have any character flaws that would affect how they raise your children

Sway: I do think those things are imperative to think about when considering a mate but sometimes you are with someone who has all those qood qualities w/o character flaws, but you still may not be ready to marry
not to say they are not the one (thats a whole other topic)
just being ready to commit on that level with them is a big deal, you know?

Swag: That makes sense. If you are always worried about regretting it then either you aren’t ready for it or you don’t want to marry the person you are with and don’t know how to articulate that

Sway: hmm
quite possible

Swag: I was just thinking that….being ready for marriage is a wholly different thing than knowing you want to marry a particular person

Sway: it definitely is

Swag: Personally, I look at every girl as a potential mother rather than a potential wife

Sway: every girl you date?
lol i think you should look at them as both..some women end up being great mothers and horrible wives

Swag: Lol, very true
I guess its both but once marriage comes into play I have probably already decided whether we are compatible as partners and have moved on to looking at her long term (e.g. as a mother)

Sway: I see

Swag:  But when I look for a mother, I hope to not get bogged down in trying to make myself happy. I hope it helps me to not be selfish

Sway: what do you mean by ‘bogged down making yourself happy’?

Swag: Well sometimes we are so worried about fitting people into our own minuscule preferences that we overlook qualities that are more important. Qualities that should be universal in terms of relationships and marriages

Sway: I agree
not only do you have to think about how they would treat you in a relationship but how they would treat everyone else
your family, how they treat their family,
and future kids as well
because the marriage of 2 people is like marrying families together
lol
and with the kids situation, you also have to make sure they even want them

Swag: So if you can honestly say that you know a person can be a good parent as well as spouse and you have measured those 5 checks (plus that family compatibility), then marriage is probably on the horizon

Sway: and you need to see if their idea of how to raise children is compatible with yours

Swag: True

Sway: I guess the question is how soon is too soon to seriously think about jumping the broom?
even with these things stated above in place?

Swag: It’s possible that a lot of people decide on a spouse and actually get married without asking any serious questions. Personally, I think in order to truly know all that you need to know, at least a year

Swag: Maybe more because if you get married after say three months, there are whole stages of your relationship that haven’t occurred yet. Not to say that marriage will change how they progress but that is exactly the point. Marriage won’t change how you feel if all of a sudden you hate some habit your partner has

Sway: a year sounds about good. Me personally, I would need longer considering the fact that some of my relationships have ended after just a year.

Swag: Well I am a serial monogamist so I’ve had a few that lasted upwards of a year.

Sway: Yeah so that just goes to show it definitely depends on the person…hopefully people make good choices.

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