Love Living, Quit Hating, Everyone Relating

Approaching Women

In Attraction on August 23, 2010 at 7:02 pm

 written by Swag

A couple of days ago, a friend of mine and I were discussing the salient points of approaching women. He said that he wouldn’t mind getting a second look confirmation after the initial eye contact. This is where you notice someone looking at you (or so it seems) and they take a second look, thereby confirming their interest and attraction (I repeat – or so it seems).  I wonder how often ladies worry about receiving this confirmation, because I know some men will take a second, third and fourth look just because. It may have nothing to do with him providing a confirmation and have everything to do with the fact that he enjoys what he sees.    

Guys, on the other hand, receive very little outright evidence of mutual attraction. It’s all subtle, which leaves a great deal of room for misinterpretation. Sometimes it’s disheartening to be wrong about someone elses attraction to you, so instead of dealing with the repercussions, you change your approach entirely. After a certain age, I felt I had to migrate from the shotgun approach to the sniper approach. Instead of blasting away at everything in front of me, I began to make better selections. With a shotgun you fire at everything within a certain radius. It requires no technique and very little preparation. The basic premise is that you are bound to hit something.    

The sniper approach requires much more of a marksman’s mindset. Snipers are so adept at judging their environment that they can adjust to miniscule changes in wind speed by changing the arc of their bullet. The basic premise is that preparation and poise will increase your accuracy. My friend obviously has sniper tendencies because he would rather survey the environment and gather more data (e.g. a second look) before he takes any unnecessary action.      

Unfortunately, in the social arena, nothing is ever quite that scientific, so below are a few pointers I propose for any man looking to put away the shotgun pellets, stop chasing every skirt tail and pursue higher quality women.  Let’s face it, if you are a standard, trigger-happy, shotgun wielding, cookie monster then this article may not hit home for you.    


Cookie Monster

Image by nickstone333 via Flickr

1) I would venture to say that very few women actually want to seem easy. By not giving you a second look she is avoiding that impression altogether. You can only hope that she’s employing an impression management technique and wants you to think the best of her. Otherwise, she may be employing a cookie management technique and already thinks the worst of you.      


Sundial with the motto

Image via Wikipedia

2) People like confident people and women are no exception. Confident men don’t need a confirmation to act on what they want. Carpe Diem!! Just don’t over do it. There is a large gap between confident and overbearing. Confidence portrays security. When a man is perceived as cocky, it results in the opposite impression and tells people that he is insecure. Anybody with that much to prove is obviously compensating for something.    



3) Just because she isn’t giving you overt eye contact doesn’t mean she has stopped communicating. What she does after that first fleeting glimpse is always more important than the glimpse itself. (If you are cut from the sniper cloth, you may already know this). It may have been an honest coincidence, so don’t overplay it if the proper context clues aren’t there. Check out her body language. Does she seem open and approachable or closed and reserved? Is she actively avoiding your gaze? Is she playing with her hair? Did she get up and move away with a scowl?   



4) There is a very high probability that she noticed you before you noticed her. This may already be the second look and you have no idea. What now? That second look could be your ticket into the fair. So, while everyone likes to be noticed, unfortunately we guys don’t have the luxury of waiting for someone to come chat us up. Chalk it up to traditional gender roles or maybe biological programming. Either way, men are kinda expected to do the initiating.     

From my experience the best way to approach a woman is to do so without any expectations. Meeting people should be more organic than that. You can’t force a weed to grow into a rose or vice versa. I mean to say you can’t expect the same quality of interaction every time you meet someone. Just put down the weapons and enjoy meeting people. The less presuppositions you make, the less stressed you’ll be, the more fun you’ll have, the better you’ll get at it, the more people you’ll meet, and inevitably the easier it will be to meet a worthwhile woman. If you don’t approach women with any ill-gotten expectations then you’ll never be disappointed by the results, right?       


  1. Good tips! I agree – If the woman considers you worth noticing, then, “There is a very high probability that she noticed you before you noticed her.” Most women will not make it painfully obvious that they’re interested in you b/c they still subscribe to the good ol’ “play hard to get” game. If you’re diggin’ her, then swoop in for a swift but poignant initial engagement. When you approach her, don’t dwell. Your goal should be to 1) confirm that she’s interested (or not interested) and 2) make her want a second interaction with you. It’s up to you to figure out whether a number exchange is appropriate during the first interaction. Good article, and good luck, guys! 😉

  2. Secondly men have to decipher the difference being a girl finding you attractive, and a girl wanting you to come over and approach her. I agree with Danielle’s point, women love eye candy just as much as the next guy, and she may have noticed you before you even have noticed her; but eye contact could be her just letting you know that she likes what she sees and not an invitation to begin a conversaton

  3. That’s a great point because on the flip side when I see a girl get uncomfortable after we make eye contact, it really irks me. I’m feel like saying: “Hold your horses with all that. Just because I find you attractive doesn’t mean I’m trying to pursue you.”

    Of course I do know it’s probably a defense-mechanism on her part. She’s just trying to make sure she isn’t bothered by some random dude reading her look the wrong way. I guess there is always going to be that balancing act.

  4. It is great to see that men have been getting fed up with the games and do not approach as much. I hope that the game keeps changing so that I will be able to have a conversation with a woman without all of the hassle.

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