Love Living, Quit Hating, Everyone Relating

Relationship Red Flags – Part 1

In Uncategorized on August 16, 2010 at 2:02 pm

Don’t ignore red flags because whatever you ignore today will come back to haunt you tomorrow. This post should help any woman looking for or in a relationship to take notice of important red flags.

Make-up Bag (MUB)

Sign: Be wary of the man who spends too much money on you early in the relationship.

The MUB Flag may not be a leading indicator, but lavish material praise too early in the relationship can be a means of cover up. His lack of significance in other areas would be glaring if it weren’t for the fact that he acts like an ATM. This may be cool in the beginning but he may have no desire to actually grow as a person once he is in a relationship. If money is everything then maturity doesn’t mean squat. He can also end up feeling like you owe him something. Before sexual intercourse, material gifts are a means to a sexual end. After sexual intercourse, material gifts become a shield for any qualm you may have with him. “I do so much for you and all you do is complain.” He knows full well that the emotional requests you are making of him are more important to you but he uses the cold love of his financial support to freeze your arguments. Before jumping off the deep end of love, make sure to test his ability to provide for you, emotionally, mentally and financially.

History of Heartbreak (H0H)

Sign: All his past relationships didn’t end well and you have no idea why.

Trust is key to any relationship, so if all his past relationships have ended badly and he has disclosed the reasons why, then trust he is telling you the truth. The H0H flag is specific to the ladies who have no idea or have a very vague idea of why their partner’s previous relationships didn’t last. I hate to say it, but most likely, he’s hiding something. We have all had a bitter breakup and our feelings at the moment of the breakup will color how we frame the entire event. Some people, however, can not sketch away their own guilt and prefer to keep previous chapters of their lives closed. You should know your partner pretty well before you make a commitment to them. So, as you get to know each other make it a point to learn how he opens up. Intimacy is birthed from vulnerability. It’s a byproduct of us feeling safe and secure with our partners in our most vulnerable states. Make him feel safe enough to confide in you. If he feels like you may overreact and judge him based on his past misdeeds, you may never hear of them. If he doesn’t want you to know about his misdeeds because he is likely to perpetrate them again, then hopefully you paid attention to this red flag and left before any damage was done.

Leave me alone, Mom (LMAM)

Sign: Be wary of the man who plays reverse-blame games during conflicts.

If you are in a relationship with someone who consistently places blame on you whenever you bring up an issue that bothers you, no matter how civil or mature your attempt to be, then your partner may be suffering from LMAM Syndrome. It means he has yet to learn how to properly digest criticism. Every time you “nag” him about something, it takes him back to his childhood, when his mother (or father) lectured him about misbehaving. Either he made a habit of talking back (hence the LMAM moniker) or he shut down and everything his parents said was dismissed with a cynical “OK”. Both techniques will probably be utilized in his relationship with you and both techniques are designed to speed the conversation along so he doesn’t feel like a kid anymore. The unfortunate part is this flag is hard to notice before some form of commitment and inevitable conflict (which is why you should love it when your partners yell). A future post will address how to effectively deal with childish significant others.

Red Flags are pretty easy to spot when you have a level head. The issues that we ignore out of blind infatuation will grow exponentially once our partners no longer feel they need to impress us. There is a difference between observing and passing judgment, so while you shouldn’t let mass amounts of evidence stare you in the face, do not make up evidence in order to prove a point. Give your partners the benefit of the doubt because the saying ‘more than meets the eye’ applies to their good side as well as their bad. It’s not a wrong idea to test your partners. But why test them at all if you are just going to boost their grade by grading on a curve. Take heed when you notice the red flags and investigate their legitimacy.

 Swag   

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  1. I REALLY loved this peice.

    It hit home, and you are right… you pretty much described the man I’ve been seeing, and I figured these things out about him, but you so nailed it.

    • Thanks for the feedback.

      I have to ask though…were all of these flags waving? I knew they could be combined but never thought all of them could describe the same person.

  2. 2 out of 3. He doesnt have LMAM syndrome, well maybe a bit but it’s a small degree.

    He did buy me presents at the beginning to accelerate things , I think, and also as you say “cover up” whatever he is lacking.
    And history of heartbreak? It’s always bugged me that he didnt talk about why his 2nd marriage dissolved.

  3. […] very compatible – Once this person starts dating you, they try to dismiss all red flags (look here and here for examples) or anything that would show them that they aren’t compatible with you. […]

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