Love Living, Quit Hating, Everyone Relating

Dealing with a Cheater: A Gift or a Curse?

In Uncategorized on August 13, 2010 at 2:10 pm

*Despite the picture, this post pertains to both genders.* 

I'm glad I dealt with cheating earlier in life than later/ starpulse.com

 

My first boyfriend was a cheater. 

And yes, my first relationship was in high school. As much as people like to say high school relationships don’t mean diddly squat, based on my experience I don’t believe that to be true. I like to think of high school relationships as sneak peaks into all the kinds of relationships kids will become aware of and experience in the future.  In high school, kids get what I would call “samples” of what actual relationships are made of as they become familiar to the positives and pitfalls that make up love. 

And like every several 16 year old impressionable girls at that enter their first relationship, I was swooning over my boyfriend. He was older (whooaaa..a big 19!), attentive, funny, “caring”, honest, “charming”, protective, and most importantly, all about me (or so I thought). It even seemed like he was more into me than I was into him. And all of this only helped me fall into his allure even more–the allure that made me believe I had his heart. 

To make a long, crazy story (one that would be a perfect script for a Lifetime movie) short, we went out for almost a year and “broke up” because out of nowhere he stopped calling. Almost a year after the relationship ended, I got a call from the other girl (how she got my number I have no idea) demanding to know if I was with her man. Once I told her I dropped that zero and she realized I wasn’t the least bit phased by her attempts to intimidate me, she opened up. From the conversation, I learned: 

-when me and him started going out he had already been in a year long relationship with her 

-I had met her before and didn’t know it (she answered the door when I was bringing back some of his belongings to his house after I realized it was over, including a shirt he gave me that she made for him. I assumed then that she was one of his family members) 

– any day he wasn’t with me he was with her (as well as holidays: I saw him for Christmas, she saw him for V-day) 

-any reference he made to his “cousin” was really her (like when he said “my cousin is going to pick me up from your house” or “can you help me find a gift for my cousin?” when we went Christmas shopping) 

-his parents knew the situation and tried to protect what he was doing 

-she was still with him but had an issue with him cheating (uhhh duh ya think?) 

I was shocked to say the least. Fortunately at this point I was well over him, but learning about the cheating just opened up a whole can of worms. I was duped. And because I found out after the fact, there was nothing I could do about it. I tried to backtrack to the year before to think of the relationship and realized that with the new information I learned, everything added up perfectly. 

For some people, dealing with cheating in their 1st relationship is a curse because now they will do any of these things: 

1) Block themselves from prospective relationships– Their first relationships set precedence for what they expect in future ones. So now they expect every person to be a cheater based off of that one experience. This thought alone will steer them away from beginning a new relationship because they don’t want to be played for a fool again. 

2)Make them suspicious of every person they encounter– If they do meet someone new they are interested in, they won’t trust them even if that person hasn’t done anything to show them they are untrustworthy. If they get into a relationship believe me, they will be insecure and start playing inspector gadget if anything their partner does remotely reminds them of their ex. (I’m talking checking emails, breaking password codes, and secretly calling anyone of the opposite sex they saw listed in their partners phone to see who they are. Or if they are really bold they’ll do a Michael Strahan). 

mrgadget.com

 

3)Make sure new relationships are on emotional lock-down- Once they do get into a relationship, they will still keep their distance. Basically they will go into emotional lock-down and place up a wall on their feelings to protect themself (this way if the relationship ends because of wrongdoing, it wouldn’t affect them as much since they weren’t completely emotionally invested). This will result in their relationship hitting a plateau-which is death for any relationship! When anything plateaus the only place for it to go is back downhill. 

Looking back, for me it was a gift because: 

1) My naivety died– I was more keen on the games guys like to play. And not only with just guys, I became more aware of games people played period. Just like guys cheat, girls do just as much dirt. I became more observant to how some people manipulate others to get everything they want. I learned not to always take everything at face value. 

2) I learned the signs of a cheater– Every cheater cheats differently, but once you’ve learned how one does it successfully, you have an idea of how others do it (which is useful information for future reference). And this is a big plus in my book. 

3) I’m learned more about myself– Even though I found out about the cheating after the fact, I wondered how things would have been if I found out during the relationship. Would I have I had stayed if he gave me the impression that he wouldn’t do it again? I’ll never know. But I do know that if it were to happen to me now, I would be more equipped to handle the situation since I’ve been there before. I am definitely more mature now, and my toleration level is  a lot lower than it was when I was 16. This situation made me realize how much I value myself (Clearly the other girl didn’t value herself as much as she should, since she was still with him and had to resort to calling me to get answers about him). 

Just from that one relationship alone, I learned so many things that helped me approach my future relationships in ways I may not have approached them before. Some people have never had an experience with dealing with a cheater and that is excellent.  But for those who have, be grateful that you found out about it! And realize that there is a lesson to be learned for yourself. Don’t take it for granted. After you overcome the situation, you will have become stronger. 

Have you ever been cheated on? If so, how did that impact your relationships that followed? 

  Sway 

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