Love Living, Quit Hating, Everyone Relating

How To Create Your Ideal Relationship

In Uncategorized on August 9, 2010 at 3:13 pm

You can learn what NOT to do by watching how "Speidi" interact / thesunblog.com

People take the initiative to voice their salary expectations to their new employers. They have a fit if their double grande half-caf skim caramel latte isn’t made the way they ordered it. They negotiate the price of their new car at the dealership, and tell their barber how they want their hair cut or hairdresser the exact shade of Jennifer Aniston blonde they want their hair dyed. But for some reason, when it comes to relationships, people have such an issue telling their partner, their “other half”, and love of their life, how they want their relationship to flow. 

Okay I understand the fact that unlike those examples above, the person you are with is close to you, so you fear hurting their feelings or making them feel like they are failing at being your significant other. But you and your partner communicating what you want is not only critical, it is a requirement for any successful relationship. Have you ever seen two people break up because both people communicated to well? I haven’t.  But I’ve seen plenty people break up because one person didn’t communicate well with the other. 

Telling your partner how you feel about your relationship is the easiest way to creating your ideal relationship. 

Think about it: How can you expect your relationship to be a certain way, if you don’t express what you want and need? 

I’ve  had this conversation with several of my friends regarding their relationships. Some of them felt that bringing up a want, an issue they wanted resolved, or change they wanted to implement would either cause conflict between them and their partner, make their partner feel inadequate, or would be no use because their partner wouldn’t agree to the change. So they either refrained from bringing up the issue, or feared doing so. 

Remember, miscommunication is the reason behind any conflict. 

I believe this to not only be true for relationships but for anything. Miscommunication is not only misunderstanding something or someone, it can be a lack of communication. If you don’t voice what you want with anything, how do you expect to get it? 

What happens when something your partner says or does irks you and you don’t say something about it? You’ll probably subconsciously place it in your mental rolodex and it will build up more over time. Before you know it, it will come to a point where you can’t take it anymore and come next argument you use it as ammo against them. All of a sudden you have opened up a whole new can of worms and your partner is looking at you in disbelief because they had no clue you even felt so negatively about the thing they said/did. 

Just like it was said in Swag’s Sound Off, your partner isn’t going to automatically know every single thing you dislike just because they are close to you. If there is something you don’t like about your partner be fair to them by making them aware of it.  This in turn gives them a chance to act accordingly or change it. 

For example, let’s say that it really ticks you off when you and your partner argue, and they walk away from the conversation. You probably feel that them choosing not to participate when you both get into a heated discussion is reason enough to not bring up the fact that you hate when they walk away. But if you don’t tell them how if affects you, then it’s only going to keep happening. 

Pick a time when things are going great between the two of you to talk about it. Choosing to talk about it in the middle of argument will only lead to a bigger argument, and you won’t get the best reception. When the time is right, ask them if there is anything you can do to improve the relationship. This will open the lines of communication and show your partner that you are willing to compromise. You can say something like this: 

“I really cherish our relationship and want to make sure everything is good between us. Is there anything I can do to make what we have better?” 

This shows your partner that you value what they think, and are willing to make strides to improve the relationship.  You’ve also given them the opportunity to express themselves about something they may have been too hesitant to bring up with you. From here there should be an open dialogue and when the opportunity arises in the conversation, you can bring up the issue  you have with them by saying: 

“One thing that I think would improve our relationship is us being able to fully communicate when we have an argument. Sometimes when you walk away from the discussion, I don’t get a chance to express everything that I am feeling at the time and our issue doesn’t get resolved. It makes me feel like you are dismissing the conversation.” 

In the first sentence, you start off by describing a way you both can solve the issue and explaining how it will benefit you both. You are not starting off by pointing fingers, you are starting with a positive statement instead of a negative one. 

In the second sentence, you are introducing the issue, and how it affects you and the relationship. Saying: “You’re always walking away when we have an argument and that’s not cool,” is going to put them on the defense. And when someone is on defense, they immediately stop listening to what you’re saying and respond to you by defending their actions (which is not showing them how the very actions they are defending are detrimental to the relationship). 

In the third sentence, you are explaining how it makes you feel. This is important. Your significant other can try to disregard or deny doing anything you’ve said up to this point, but they can’t deny your feelings.  

Hopefully, being able to communicate with them in this manner will help them take in what you’ve said without becoming defensive, and make them more aware of their actions enough to make strides to change their behavior. Remember that some changes will be gradual and may take time, especially if what they are changing has become a habit. But if you see them making an effort to change, acknowledge that with them. 

And if they disregard the issue and refuse to change?  They haven’t taken into consideration how the issue has made you feel, so what do you think will happen when more serious issues arise?  You will have to ask yourself if the issues plague your relationship enough to end it. You should also ask yourself if this is the type of person you want to be with? If not, then terminating the relationship may be the best decision for you. You don’t need to be in a relationship to be unhappy. You can do bad all by yourself.

  Sway

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