Love Living, Quit Hating, Everyone Relating

I Love It When You Yell At Me

In Compatibility on August 6, 2010 at 9:21 am

A good friend of mine and I were discussing dating a while back. She told me that, usually, she doesn’t feel very inclined to continue talking to a guy unless there is a small amount of drama involved. Now, was she referring to wife, ex, children, or mistress type drama? No, because things that serious rarely come to light as a relationship just takes flight. She was talking about the drama that arises when you realize the person you are courting doesn’t share the same expectations or beliefs that you do. Honestly, at the time, I couldn’t for the life of me figure out why it was necessary to introduce or seek out turmoil in the beginning of a relationship.

Recently though, I have come to terms with the idea. I don’t think it should be something sought after or artificially created but how two people initially react to disagreements is a much a better barometer of future relationship health than how good everything feels in the beginning.

Imagine dating someone for upwards of three months. The relationship is cake batter and rainbows. The sex is earthquakes and comet tails. You just can’t get enough of one another. Infatuous and passionate love have kicked in so you are on cloud nine, without a care in the world. Unfortunately, it would be unfair to believe that these feelings would last forever. Sooner or later, the tics that made the person so cute before become annoyances that irk the hell out of you. But even those aren’t a big deal, because you can adjust to them. They only become glaring blemishes when the spotlight of conflict and disagreement illuminates them.

The conflict, the arguments, the ‘I can’t stand you’ moments are what really define a relationship. The only feelings we seem to never really get used to are grief and anger. Unlike, passion, we usually get angry more, not less, when reacting to the same stimulus. If our partner does something repeatedly that angers us, there is no desensitization curve. We don’t get used to it over time. We become more angry with every reoccurrence.

That’s why conflict resolution skills are the single most important part of a relationship, after communication. If you want to know whether you and your partner will last, wait to see what happens when drama ramps up. See what it is like when you are at each other’s throats before you make the great leap into commitment. Find out whether your partner has the ability to engage you in a mature fashion despite disagreeing with you or being angry.

Learn his or her argumentative style. See what happens when you don’t have the fluffy feelings of love to buoy your emotions. It may save you a lot of time, stress, heartache….shattered windows…..burnt clothes……keyed cars……changed numbers……black eyes……broken dishes……..

Not that I would know or anything.

Swag

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  1. […] is this flag is hard to notice before some form of commitment and inevitable conflict (which is why you should love it when your partners yell). A future post will address how to effectively deal with childish significant […]

  2. […] I Love it When You Yell at Me – Ron and Sam truly do need healthier conflict resolution skills. Their biggest mistake was believing that the conflict could be swept under the rug and they could go back to cuddling again. It’s fine to no longer be angry in the moment but that doesn’t mean the conflict is over. The conflict is over when the rules of the road are enforced. If you establish a boundary (I don’t like it when you do this), you have to also establish a consequence (If you keep doing it, this is what will happen). Sammi never invoked/enforced proper penalties and Ron knew she never would. It’s like a mother telling her child to stop jumping on the couch and the child defiantly saying “Make Me.” Instead of making him, she just repeats her request with more force. […]

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