Love Living, Quit Hating, Everyone Relating


In Uncategorized on July 22, 2010 at 11:36 pm

Hey guys can you fathom this picture for a moment…Think of a woman who has Lauren London’s face, Beyonce’s waist, and legs like Jessica Biel. She loves all sports, can cook, is independent and makes a good amount of money. She lives on her own, has no kids, and to top it off, knows how to be a lady in the streets and a freak in the sheets…

Ladies, envision your future boyfriend to be like following… Think of a man who looks like Brad Pitt or Boris Kodjoe, with Lance Gross abs, money for days, a polished whip, no baby mama drama, intelligent and charismatic, with a bad boy swag like Johnny Depp, and a has heart of gold…

Now ask yourselves, are these perfect images of the opposite sex your fantasies, or your types?

Yes ladies and gentlemen there is a difference between a fantasy and type and it seems like people nowadays think that they are interchangeable when they aren’t.

What is my fantasy guy? Someone that is my type in addition to having any other physical and internal qualities that make him sheer perfection in my eyes. Did you get the key word? It’s perfection.

When one has a type, they have a pattern of being attracted to certain internal or physical qualities right off the bat.  When one has a fantasy, they have the idea of perfection in someone of the opposite sex. A fantasy is a combination of all your physical and internal desires that make up a human being.

I remember watching the “What Chili Wants” episodes and was a bit baffled by her “requirements” she expected out of someone she dated. A few of her man must-haves were:

1. has a six-pack
2. can’t eat pork
3. can’t drink
4. can’t smoke
5. must believe in God
6. can’t have more than 2 baby’s mothers

This is not a long list, but the combination of the things she was requesting would narrow down the number of eligible men dramatically. I could see if she was asking for someone honest, intelligent, caring, and driven (which is still a hard combination to find), and on the show she did state that she wanted those qualities in addition to her requirements. But the problem was that she seemed to focus more on the six requirements above more than anything.

So let’s say she found a man who encompassed all six requirements. He would still have to have all the other internal qualities she wants to appease her. On top of that, she’d still have to be attracted to him.  In addition, said man would have to feel that she met all of his requirements and internal qualities and be attracted to her in the same way in order for anything to happen between them. Whew!  That is a lot of calculating just to bring two people together.

But is what Chili wants a fantasy or just simply her type? That is arguable. Her expectations of her future mate seem rigid for someone who is pushing 40 with a son (We will address that in another post). I would like to see what Chili would do with a man who possessed every tedious thing she was looking for but liked to drink a glass of wine every now and then.

Heck if we could all create our types in a build-a-bear type of store then I guess we’d all be satisfied. But there is a reason a fantasy is called a fantasy. It’s because it’s just that… a fantasy. Or as my good, smart friend Merriam-Webster likes to define the word, ” the power or process of creating especially unrealistic or improbable mental images in response to psychological need.”

What I am really trying to get at is that while having a type is fine, there is nothing wrong with stepping outside the box and being open while you are dating. I’m not saying that you need to just let anyone in and compromise your standards. But why pigeon-hole them?  Sometimes you need to take a step back and re-evaluate if your type is too much of a fantasy. The media does wonders to our minds subconsciously when it comes to what we are truly looking for and expect from the opposite sex.

Sometimes the person you are looking for is right underneath your nose. He or she may not have Jessica Biel’s legs (hell even Lauren London doesn’t have Jessica’s legs!), or Boris’s chiseled face but, they may have some other quality you didn’t even realize you liked. And that person may be the inspiration behind creating a new type you never even knew existed.



  1. I think men that have reached a certain success level tend to be the worse! It doesn’t matter how old they are – they feel that they are entitled to that fantasy woman based on status alone (at least 50% of the time). And as proven through Millionaire Match Maker (maybe not the best source considering this is a reality TV show), they will stop at nothing to find that perfect fantasy girl. Which is in some ways just flat out immature – at a certain age you have to stop chasing the impossible and start to come to terms with what is reality. I’m in no way saying anyone should lower their standards – but you also have to understand when your standards are getting in the way you meeting the person you could spend the rest of your life with.

    As far as women are concerned, one of my good friends just told me about a situation he is in with a female that he is really into. Essentially she is everything he wants in a woman – successful, smart, great convo and physically appealing. She said he fit all of her requirements except for one – and that requirement being to have graduated from college. Now – I’m not a woman and I can’t speak for her – but if he is supposedly everything she wants in a man (outside of the educational gap), then is her list/requirement a fantasy?

    • I agree, on some level that men are prone to pursue women in ideals. This is partially due to the media, as you mention, and partially due to how men achieve personal worth. But in the end everybody has that fantasy. The parallel to the guy you speak about is the executive female who feels that dating a blue collar man is not acceptable. He could be caring, intelligent and funny but just doesn’t fit her mold (I’ve dated a few women like this).
      Everyone has to decide for themselves what they will consider a standard. But you also have to be honest enough to ask why those standards exist in the first place.

      Thanks for the fantastic input and check back for more.


      • My Mistake 1Mover, I misread your post and flipped the genders in your story.

    • Hey 1Mover I definitely agree with all that you said about men reaching a certain status and expecting too much. Chili’s situation reminded me of Millionaire Matchmaker only with the gender reversed.

      As far as the woman your friend is seeing, it’s tricky. I think everyone has one dealbreaker they can’t get around when it comes to the opposite sex. For me it is that I can’t date someone shorter than me, (I’m 5’5″). Sounds shallow I know, but I’m just attracted to taller men.

      I’m guessing that no college is the girl’s dealbreaker? That situation is easily changeable seeing as how your friend may one day find a reason to get a college education. If this dealbreaker isn’t affecting her attraction to your friend and compatibility level between them then she should take all of that into account and not let him not having a diploma, get in between the good thing they have going.

      Just because someone didn’t graduate from college doesn’t mean they aren’t capable of being successful, well rounded individuals. Even Bill Gates dropped out after 2 years of school, and look at where he is now.


  2. […] natural appearance and may be too worried about fitting what she thinks is a man’s physical fantasy. This speaks volumes to her insecurity level. And as a reuslt, she ends up placing more […]

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